Friday, January 30, 2015


Almost a week resting at home
Last week 3 hari cuti ehsan
This week seminggu terus tak datang kerja
Tak sangka hamza akan kena HFMD
Surfacing pun berjangkit dengan hamza penuh ulser dalam mulut
Mother in law admitted
Dugaan permulaan 2015

Alhamdulillah ruam2 and blister makin hilang
Yang penting ulser mulut dah takda
Will write about this bila hamza dah sihat nanti

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Today Is Perfect

I read this article written by Megan Morton in HuffPost Parents
I feel like crying
This article makes me want to savour everything I have now
Makes me appreciate all those little things my son does
Makes me appreciate life
Because when that 'one day' come,
I know I will keep myself busy
to make room for the emptiness of not having my children around
Because they all have grown up and have their own lives

So, here's the article:


Ever since we brought our new daughter home, 
her older brothers have been the first to tell me when she is crying, whimpering 
or smelling a little suspicious.
 "Somebody needs you," they say. 
I have no idea how this little saying started, but at first it sort of annoyed me. 
I could be enjoying a quick shower... 
"Mommy, somebody needs you. The baby is crying." 
Or, sitting down for a second, quite aware that the baby was beginning to stir from a nap.... 
"Mama, somebody needs you!" OK! I get it already!
 And not to mention that the newborn's needs pale in comparison to the needs of two little boys. Somebody always needs a snack, a band-aid, a different sock, ice cubes in their water, 
a NEW Paw Patrol, a stream of snot wiped, a hug, a story, a kiss. 
Some days never seem to end, and the monotony of being "needed" can really take its toll. 
Then, it all started to hit me, they need ME. Not anybody else. 
Not a single other person in the whole world. They need their Mommy.

The sooner I can accept that being Mommy means that I never go off the clock, 
the sooner I can find peace in this crazy stage of life. 
That "Mommy" is my duty, 
privilege and honor. I am ready to be there when somebody needs me, all day and all night. 
Mommy means I just put the baby back down after her 4 a.m. feeding
when a 3-year-old has a nightmare. 
Mommy means I am surviving on coffee and toddler leftovers. 
Mommy means my husband and I haven't had a real conversation in weeks. 
Mommy means I put their needs before my own, without a thought. 
Mommy means that my body is full of aches and my heart is full of love.

I am sure there will come a day when no one needs me. 
My babies will all be long gone and consumed with their own lives. 
I may sit alone in some assisted living facility watching my body fade away. 
No one will need me then. I may even be a burden. 
Sure, they will come visit, but my arms will no longer be their home. 
My kisses no longer their cure. 
There will be no more tiny boots to wipe the slush from or seat belts to be buckled. 
I will have read my last bedtime story, seven times in a row. 
I will no longer enforce time-outs. 
There will be no more bags to pack and unpack or snack cups to fill. 
I am sure my heart will yearn to hear those tiny voices calling out to me, 
"Mommy, somebody needs you!"

So for now, I find beauty in the peaceful 4 a.m. feedings in our cozy little nursery. 
We are perched above the naked oak trees in our own lavender nest. 
We watch the silent snow fall and a bunny scampering across its perfect white canvas.
 It's just me and my little baby, the neighborhood is dark and still. 
We alone are up to watch the pale moon rise and the shadows dance along the nursery wall. 
She and I are the only ones to hear the barn owl hooting in the distance. 
We snuggle together under a blanket and I rock her back to sleep. 

It's 4am and I am exhausted and frustrated, but it's OK, she needs me. Just me. 
And maybe, I need her too. Because she makes me Mommy. 
Someday she will sleep through the night. 
Someday I will sit in my wheelchair, my arms empty, dreaming of those quiet nights in the nursery. When she needed me and we were the only two people in the world.

Can I enjoy being needed? Sometimes, sure, but often it is tiring. Exhausting.
 But, it isn't meant to be enjoyed every moment. It is a duty. 
God made me their Mom.
 It is a position I yearned for long before I would ever understand it. 
Over a three-day weekend, my husband couldn't believe how many times our boys kept saying, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy!" 
"Are they always like this?" he asked, not able to hide his terror and sympathy. 
"Yep. All day, everyday. That's my job." 
And I have to admit that it is the toughest job I have ever had. 

In a previous life, I was a restaurant manager for a high volume and very popular chain in 
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. A Saturday night at 7:30 p.m. with the expo window 
overflowing with dishes, a two-hour wait and the electricity inexplicably going out 
has got nothing on a Tuesday, 5:00 p.m. at the Morton house. 
And let me tell ya, South Florida diners are some of the toughest to please. 
But they are a cake walk compared to sleep-deprived toddlers with low blood sugar.
Once upon a time, I had time. For myself. Now, my toenails need some love. 
My bra fits a little differently. My curling iron might not even work anymore, I don't know.
 I can't take a shower without an audience. I've started using eye cream. 
I don't get carded anymore. My proof of motherhood. Proof that somebody needs me. 

That right now, somebody always needs me. Like last night...
At 3 a.m. I hear the little footsteps entering my room. I lay still, barely breathing.
Maybe he will retreat to his room. Yeah right.
"Mommy." A little louder.
"Yes," I barely whisper.
He pauses, his giant eyes flashing in the dim light.
"I love you."

And just like that, he is gone. 
Scampered back to his room. But, his words still hang in the cool night air. 
If I could reach out and snatch them, I would grab his words and hug them to my chest. 
His soft voice whispering the best sentence in the world. I love you. 
A smile curls across my lips and I slowly exhale, almost afraid to blow the memory away.
 I drift back to sleep and let his words settle into my heart.

One day that little boy will be a big man. 
There will no longer be any sweet words whispered to me in the wee hours. 
Just the whir of the sound machine and the snoring husband.
 I will sleep peacefully through the night, never a worry of a sick child or a crying baby.
 It will be but a memory. These years of being needed are exhausting, yet fleeting.
 I have to stop dreaming of "one day" when things will be easier. 
Because the truth is, it may get easier, but it will never be better than today. 
Today, when I am covered in toddler snot and spit-up. 
Today, when I savor those chubby little arms around my neck. 
Today is perfect. 
"One day" I will get pedicures and showers alone. 
"One day" I will get myself back. 
But, today I give myself away, and I am tired and dirty and loved SO much, and I gotta go. Somebody needs me.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Moment Of Truth

Came across Emily McDowell's honest greeting card

I wish I could write something like this
Biasa kalau pegi wedding ke apa balik balik
"Selamat Pengantin Baru"
"semoga bahagia selalu"

Kalau nak selamba sikit
"cepat-cepat dapat anak"
atau "have fun honeymoon'
takdalah nak kreatif sangat kan

Macam ni ha..kita mesti tulis belated kan baik punya cover
takkan nak tulis lupa birthday orang
tapi ni in your face honesty

Once a mom always a mom
walaupun ko cakap ko  taknak bagi advice kat new mom atau other mom
tapi kalau org tanya laju je ko jawab kan
because we can't contain our thoughts
kalau bab anak memang laju je nak sharing is caring

ahh jeles dengan emily ni
She was in advertising...
quit her job and found what she loves doing most - writing and typography
eventually jadi besar and making lotsa money

Apparently my superior kata
"kita boleh buat apa kita suka lepas pencen, 
dalam masa bekerja kita kena buat apa orang suka"
He is damn right!
itulah resmi makan gaji bukan boleh ikut kepala sendiri je
setiap duit yang dibayar tu adalah tanggungjawab kita, amanah kepada kita
But tak bermakna kita tak boleh fikir cemana nak develop diri kan

Maybe I have to look deep into myself
kena cari how to make money doing what I Love most?
Tak payah yang juta-juta punya

bak kata superior sorang lagi
"Berniaga lah macam orang Kelantan...
 Jual Budu 10 riyal, untung 1 riyal, 
tapi nak bila 1 riyal tu? sekarang jugak pasal nak makan petang ni"

maksudnya kalau berniaga tu biarlah untung dapat terus walaupun kecik
dari berniaga besar-besar tapi untung tak nampak
itu perumpaan untuk orang modal kecik la
kalau memang modal besar what the heck kan

and how come aku cerita pasal greeting cards tiba-tiba jadi cerita bisnes pulak?
Thank God It's Friday.


I am working - to work
not to make friends
I'm going to work to make a living.
You don't have to pity me just because I'm having breakfast or lunch at my desk
or I don't wait for another person to join me to go to surau
or I don't participate gossiping about other people

I choose to be alone
I choose to leave my house-work-go back and take care my family
I don't feel the need to participate any outside work activity, bowling etc
I'm not being arrogant or rather rude
I smile at you
I greet you with Assalamualaikum or good morning or simply smile
I just don't want to share with you about my personal life, my hobby, my family or my friends

Yes, I do have friends
In fact I have lots of them
all kinds
The bestest friends
Friends that I contact and meet regularly
Friends that I invite to my house or to my mom's kenduri
So thank you for your concern
I am perfectly happy with my circle of friends 
that you are not in.


Joe Cocker - With a Little Help From My Friends

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The Long and Winding Road

Muhammad Hamza aka Nobita

"Every progress is golden because I know it's a result of hard work"

Ayat ni dari entry Teefa yang aku sukaaaaa sangat sangat.
spot on!

As a prematurely born baby, kat mana-mana buku atau article yang boleh google
akan kata mesti ada sikit development delay.
Masa lahirkan hamza, aku dah set dalam mind.
Yes, mungkin akan ada delay.
I will never put any expectation pada Hamza.
I will help him through this.
Bawah umur setahun memang takda masalah.
lambat sikit tapi aku tak cemas langsung.

roll: 5 months 3 weeks

First solid food: 6 months

sit without support: 7 months 3 weeks

crawl: 8 months 3 weeks

standing without support: 8 months 2 weeks

Climb: 8 months 2 weeks

Cooing and babling: 9 months

First tooth: 10 months

Clap and Bye: 1 year 2 weeks

First step: 1 year 3 months

Tapi bila Hamza dah mula jalan dan melasak
aku dah lupa yang dia ni once a premature baby.
sebab dah besar kan.
so rasa risau tu mesti ada bila hamza tak bercakap lagi by umur 18 months.
Aku cakap takpa kita tunggu 2 tahun.

Lepas dah 2 tahun, aku rasa tak boleh wait and see dah.
zaman sekarang ni semua cepat and advance
Especially beli baca "EARLY INTERVENTION PROGRAM" is very crucial
jangkamasa dia adalah seawal yang boleh  hingga 5 tahun saja
sebab time tu budak macam sponge boleh serap apa saja
cepat atau lambat je
CDC HUKM kata paling muda budak dalam rekod dorang adalah 18 bulan....
haa bayangkan betapa tinggi awareness modern parents ni kan
Bukanlah lepas 5 tahun tu tak boleh serap apa-apa
tapi lagi awal lagi senang sebab nanti nak masuk sekolah bagai

Macam mak aku pendekatan dia sempoi
"alaa tak lama lagi cakapla tu...dulu pakcik/ anak pakcik/ sepupu ko umur 6 tahun baru cakap"

ada jugak pendekatan positive aura
"takpa kecik lagi, nanti cakapla tu, lambat sikit je"

Tapi kitorang ni ikut pendekatan Paed Hamza iaitu
"get him check right away"

Kalau ikutkan kronologi, aku dah buat beberapa benda:

1. Hearing assessment di Klinik Audiologi dan Pertuturan, HUKM Jalan Temerloh
    masa 1 tahun 4 bulan
    Result:  Normal

ABR test - Hearing

2. Assessment dengan ENT Doctor di Hospital Selayang masa 1 tahun 6 bulan
     Result: Normal

3. First speech assessment di Klinik Audiologi dan Pertuturan masa 1 tahun 6 bulan
    Result- speech delay

4. Speech assessment dengan Speech Languange Pathologist di One Hearing Centre
    pada umur 2 year 4 months (December 2014)
    Result: Language Age - 8 months- 1 year old

5. Registered at Children Development Centre  pada 13 Januari 2015
    - waiting list untuk assessment  adalah sampai september....berjanggut tunggu tapi free

6. Waiting list untuk assessment di NASOM (Nombor 32 so dalam 2-3 bulan)
    - dah tunggu dari November

Next step InsyaAllah aku akan bawak hamza untuk Psychological assessment di WQ Park
Date belum set lagi, but soon. Probably end of January.

Why Psychological assessment?
Sebab Hamza ada ADHD and Autism traits. sikit lah.
Bukanlah banyak..ada dalam 1-2 gitu.
Plus he's non-verbal so takut faktor-faktor tu yang buatkan dia non-verbal.
Short attention span- hyper- easily distracted .
I really hope takda...but PAED hamza bila tengok je dia masa nak inject Pneumococcal
dose 3 last week terus kata "get him check right away"
Kengerian sekejap makcik
Pasal Hamza masuk je bilik doktor terus flapping tangan...
padahal kat rumah bukan selalu buat pun.
talking about perfect timing here.

So yes berbalik kepada ayat teefa "every progress is golden"
sangat sangat betul.
apa sahaja benda baru hamza buat aku akan kira sebagai progress.

 Hamza korek hidung? itu motor skills - progress

 Hamza tunjuk baju aku sebab ada perkataan besar macam A, B, C - yup that's progress

Hamza stack wooden toys (stacking ke atas- building)
 - definitely a progress walaupun dia mengamuk sebab tak dapat stack tinggi
and apa yang dia bina tu takda maksud pun

It's the little -little things that counts....
ohh romantik sangat kan

kalau ikutkan anak orang lain macam-macam dah buat/ cakap memang tak terkejar
and kalau fikir nanti jadi down
so yes, never ever compare our child to another child
every child is unique, different

Macam recently hamza dah pandai sepak bola
Ya Allah masa first dia sepak tu menjerit-jerit aku and surfacing
golllllllll gollllllllllllllllllllllll
dia pulak terpinga-pinga apahal ummi and abah aku ni kena rasuk ka
sebab selama ni dia ambik and baling bola
dia takkan sepak puas la kitorang dok mengajar
finally he did it.
and it's totally worth waiting.
Love you my son, you are super awesome.
Can't wait for your first word.
No, bukan expectation---motivation saja

Monday, January 12, 2015

My Nama is Hamza

Muhammad Hamza Mohd Zulkarnain

Nama Panggilan:
Hamza, Muhammad

Nama mengada: 
Amja,  Cheeky bombom, Gizmo, Kuchimama, Pipi, Nobita

Nama Panggilan oleh nenek:
Ulat Nangko
Ulat mentibang

2 Tahun 4 bulan

Tarikh lahir: 
31 Ogos 2012


Lebih 85cm tak sure berapa, ummi saya tak macam mak omputih kira tinggi anak kat pintu rumah

Makanan Kegemaran: 
Nasi putih, Tosai gula garing, tofu, nasi ayam atau apa2 nasi berperisa,
spaghetti, mee suah, roti peanut butter
dan apa sahaja jenis biskut khususnya biskut tiger

Sekarang ummi dah tak berapa strict macam dulu dia akan bagi saya rasa makanan
biasa orang makan.

Tapi dia masih tak bagi saya makan gula2, keropok jajan, air gas dan air kordial

Oh saya juga dah tak boleh makan coklat atau apa sahaja benda berunsur coklat
seperti milo untuk mengelakkan saya hyper

Minuman kegemaran:
Susu S26 Progress x 6oz z x 7 kali sehari. Tapi ummi kata next month nak tukar dutch lady 1,2,3
air teh herba abah nampak sedap tapi ummi tak bagi minum

Saya suka: 
Berlari, berlari dan berlari
melompat, memanjat,
main stacking benda kayu tu
main ball
tengok game kat ipad atau ABC, 123 Qaziinc
baca buku atau sebenarnya kepak buku hardcover sampai patah
tengok TV - semestinya Baby TV dan Disney Junior
keluar berjalan ke mana-mana sahaja asalkan naik kereta

Korek hidung sebab nak tengok ummi jerit "hamzaa noooooooo",
pastu saya gelak dan cuba buat lagi sebab reaction ummi memang priceless

cubit muka, perut abah sebab nak tengok reaction abah sakit

Terbangun tengah malam terus turun menyelit tidur dengan abah and ummi.
pastu ummi letak saya balik dalam cot sebab ingat saya dah tidur tapi oh no no
saya turun balik menyelit last-last ummi fed up terus biar sampai pagi

Saya tak suka: 
kena duduk carseat
kena masuk stroller
kena pegang tangan time jalan
kena pakai kasut
gosok gigi (tapi ummi diam-diam gosok gigi saya masa tidur pakai kain)
kena bawak keluar dari playland---ummi kita baya untuk sehari bukan 45 minit!

Bangun pagi tengok ummi takda, sebab saya tau saya kena hantar rumah babysitter
(maka saya nangis kuat-kuat setiap kali abah bangun atau kata jom)

TV Program saya minat: 
Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Let's go Pocoyo, Elmo's World,
Babytv (Draco, The Jammers, Hippa Hippa Hey),
Upin-Ipin, Boboiboy,
Karoot Komedia (cuma part dikir barat saja)
Iklan UTC atau apa-apa sahaja iklan kerajaan
countdown sebelum berita utama TV9 start

Lagu kegemaran:
Pink Floyd - Another Brick in The Wall
(ok ni ummi dah start mereka-reka cerita)

2015 - All These Lives

It's 2015 already???
Looks like I've been abandoning my blog for a while now
serius banyak gila nak update
gambar semua dalam ipad and phone
bila kat rumah dah tak larat nak buat apa pun

So today first day of school
Thank God the traffic was okay.
 I was so nervous this morning sebab dah 2 months suka hati aku je keluar lambat
sebab gerenti sampai by 8am
But today keluar 7am sharp

Do I have any new year resolution?
Honestly takda.
Just pray for more rezeki for my family
peluang yang lebih banyak untuk bagi yang terbaik kepada anak

So masa end of 2014, I took 16 days leave
heaven gilaaaa
duduk rumah tak buat apa just chilled dengan suami and anak
seriously we didn't go anywhere
hari hujan mostly
Dah nak habis cuti baru terkedek-kedek nak kemas itu ini
ni store umah kami
memang betul-betul buat macam store kan...
so berjaya kemas from this

To this:

Eh samaaa je
hahaha my organising skills sucked
sebenarnya ada tak habis kemas lagi
aku beli rak aluminium murahan tu kat ikea dengan harga murahan juga 39 only
lucky me masa beli memang tinggal 2 je
so I need to add more storage rack kalau nak kemas betul
tunggu cuti panjang hujung tahun lah

Time cuti for the first time ever bawak hamza pi indoor playland
sebelum ni usha usha je (damn you rotavirus buat aku paranoid)
but now I'm confident enough to let my kid play and mingle with other kids and germs
He's a big boy
dah 2 tahun 4 bulan
you gotta let him fly
and yeah, he did fly. serius suka gila berlari, melompat dalam playland tu
bukan dia peduli orang lain pun

kitorang bawak kat Jusco AU je murah RM 12 weekend and RM  6 Weekdays
murah gila kan?
haritu nak terjojol mata aku tengok harga playland kat Ikano RM60 on weekend!!!
kegilaan apakah itu
dah boleh masuk kelas gymboree
hamza main maximum pun 1 hour je
tak koser aku nak dok lama-lama kat situ

This 2015 aku looking forward perkara ini:

1. Bawak hamza speech therapy supaya my son can call me"ummi" atau "abah" atau any word at all

2. sekiranya...diberi rezeki oleh Allah SWT untuk membawa kawan baru kepada Hamza...ngeee

3. Management Restructuring kat office ni. Kalau jadi akan ada increment yang lebih better, InsyaAllah

4. Avengers - Age of Ultron

5. Jurassic world, Terminator Genisys and Star Wars Episode VII- The Force Awaken

Sangat tak bercita-cita tinggi betul aku ni kan
orang lain nak kurus lah, beli rumah la, tukar kereta lah, pergi Umrah, Buat Business, masuk MLM
aku... nak tengok filem.
Cukupla tu, I'm simple like that
kalau dapat rezeki lain-lain tu aku anggap bonus dalam hidup.