The birth of Muhammad Haiqal

I need to write this down untuk kenang-kenangan nanti
Hamza dulu dah tulis
so now turn Haiqal pulak
Ceritanya bermula seminggu sebelum kelahiran dia
So here we go!

7 November 2016 (Ahad)
aku dah seminggu batuk selsema
Aku tiba-tiba diserang demam urat tapi suhu tak panas pun
pastu asyikla terkencing
aku rasa aku kena UTI (Uriniral track infection)
memang sepanjang hari aku tidur je tak larat punya pasal

9 November 2016 (Selasa)
Assessment dengan Anaest (Doc Bius)
sebenarnya doc ni dah letak tarikh c-section siap-siap pada 22/11
just in case aku tak beranak lagi nanti
explaning why kena assessment doc bius
nothing fancy just dia check kesihatan badan
Alhamdulillah sepanjang pregnancy ni memang aku OK dan cergas
walaupun minum air gula 2X tapi aku takda diabetes
berat aku pun cuma naik 5kg je
berat asal sebelum mengandung 74kg...pastu turun jadi 72kg
and minggu ni berat aku baru 77kg
doc bagi aku ubat suruh insert kat bawah untuk bunuh jangkitan UTI tu
disebabkan aku ni batuk selsema and possible UTI,
doc kata mungkin kena makan antibiotik
Kalau c-section tak boleh ada batuk ke selsema

10 November 2016 (Rabu)
check up kat klinik kesihatan pulak
Doc bagi antibiotic sebab dia kata aku dah lama sangat batuk selsema

11 November 2016 (khamis)
aku masih MC sebab memang tak larat badan aku ni.
aku ambik maternity leave starting 15 November 2016 (isnin)
aku rasa tak mampu pulak nak kerja sampai 19/11 tu
takut terberanak pulak time hadap jem sejam pegi sejam balik tu kan

12 November 2016 (Jumaat)
last day keja
aku dah settle semua hal office tapi aku masih tak sedap badan
kat bawah tu gatal haih
pastu aku pyscho rasa macam air ketuban leaking
aku terus ajak zul pegi check kat hospital selayang pukul 9 malam
lepas 3 jam check CTG/ amik darah/ air kencing
doctor discharged
dia kata takda apa ni
baby semua ok and masih kat atas lagi kedudukan dia
kalau ada jangkitan pun aku dah makan antibiotic so should be ok
ye-ye je aku pi packing siap ni kotla kena tahan kan



13 November 2016 (sabtu)
hari ni takda apa yang unusual macam biasa je
siap malam tu lepak tengok TV hamza tidur kat pangku aku
pastu aku naik atas tidur

12.30 malam:
Tengah tidur tiba-tiba aku rasa ada benda "pop" and terus air keluar
aku terjaga  bawak hp terus pegi bilik air
confirmed.
air ketuban pecah.
oh no...not again.
(first pregnancy pun air ketuban aku pecah and takda contraction)

terus call zul and bergegas pergi hospital selayang
bayangkanla tengah-tengah malam angkut hamza sekali pergi sana
kesian dia

sampai je daftar terus siap-siap tukar sarung pasal nak buat ctg
air aku memang keluar banyak consistently
hamza punya la meraung-raung kat luar bila aku masuk dalam tu

Masa aku tengah tunggu doctor seluk hamza dah menjerit-jerit pulak main kat lobi tu
aku kat dalam pun boleh dengar
masa tu ramai-ramai nurse kat keliling aku
sekali ada sorang nurse ni tiba-tiba datang and cakap kat kawan-kawan dia
"anak sapa la dok bising menjerit-jerit kat luar tu, tensen aku"
aku pun selamba jawab 
"anak saya"
muka maintain senyum hati dah panas ni

Terus terdiam dia kawan -kawan lain dia pun diam
serius silence masa tu macam awkward
itulah orang tua-tua kata cakap siang pandang-pandang
cakap malam bisik-bisik
tak baik tauuu kutuk anak patient
ngeee
takpalah saya maafkan...anak saya hyper nak buat macam mana

anyway, first time ada doctor lelaki check buat VE
sebelum ni memang semua perempuan
bila check hanya 1cm
*nangis dalam hati''
doctor tanya ada contraction? aku kata takda rasa apa
bila tengok ctg ada contraction sikit je
baby station masih -3, cervix closed
doctor pun suruh terus puasa just in case c-section...
huwaaaa

bayangkan kepala baby aku masih -3

serious aku dah goyah bila dengar keadaan tu
doctor tanya nak induce tak atau wait and see?
aku cakap kita wait and see sampai esok dulu

lepas check tu aku suruh zul balik sebab dah settle masuk wad
so dapatla aku wad 4 bilik kelas 2
malam tu aku cuba la nak jalan konon nak bagi baby turun cepat
tapi bila jalan menjejeh2 air aku keluar
dokla tukar pad and alhamdulillah takda stain
aku takut betul kalau ada color sebab tu tanda baby dah berak
bila buat CTG langsung takda progress takda contraction
aku call zul tanya
"awak rasa saya patut ke induce?"
zul kata terpulang pada awak dia serahkan keputusan kat aku

malam tu aku cuma tidur 1 jam je sebab dok google pengalaman orang
dok fikir dok berdoa apakah patut aku buat
patut ke aku induce atau czer je terus?



14 November 2016 (Ahad)

Lepas sembahyang subuh aku dah tunggu doctor pakar datang
tak sabar nak suruh dia check nak tau apa opinion dia
aku dah buat keputusan
I just need a little "push"

10.00am:
doctor buat round and datanglah doctor pakar perempuan
serius muka dia macam Pengetua sekolah hamza kat Permata Kurnia
one thing about doctor pakar ni dorang memang relax and tak banyak cakap
again dapat Doctor perempuan
dia kata dia nak seluk aku pun dah siap nak angkat kaki
sekali dia cakap it's ok tak perlu u buka kaki sikit je
siap tutup kaki aku tak payah nak kangkang besar pun
bagusnya laaa

pastu dia cakap
"no progress nor lela. cervix closed, station minus 3 no contraction...so you nak buat apa?"
aku tanya
"should i go for induce?"
Dia kata
"it's up to you sebab you dah ada prev scar
i tak nak impose apa-apa pada you it's your decision
kalau induce u tau kan risk macam mana and kalau takda progress kita czer so up to you"

aku memang dah fikir masak-masak sebenarnya
aku cuma nak tau apa kata dia je
aku pun kata
"takpalah i go for c-section"

dia terus ok note kat kertas
"not keen for iol"
oh damn
ni kalau geng-geng alami dengar memang confirm la aku kena kutuk
kata takda ilmu birthing etc

so aku scheduled for c-section after zohor.
Alhamdulillah.

The reason why I chose c-section:
1. air ketuban dah pecah aku tak sanggup ambik risk anak kena infection atau tiba-tiba anak dah berak kat dalam tu

2. Takda progress, takda contraction ...kalau induce mungkin ada sikit . mungkin berjaya?
atau mungkin end up macam hamza dulu 2 hari induce tak jadi apa. bila dah ada 1 prev scar dose induce pun tak boleh kuat

3. station baby masih -3 takda turun pun


so yes, aku memang hati dan naluri kuat nak c-section je. you can call me chicken but I know i've made the right choice.


2.00pm
Zul tengah on the way nurse dah datang nak pasang catheter
benda paling aku benci sebenarnya sebab ngilu weyyy
lepas je pasang rupanya dorang nak bawak aku pi labor room terus
aku tiba-tiba rasa nak berak boleh tak?
aku cakap kejap nurse saya nak berak pulak ke contraction ni???
so aku pun pergi la toilet
memang hampa sebab takda berak pun and takda contraction pun
harapan pelesu je

pastu terus aku dibawa pegi OT
Sampai kat OT minta maaf dengan zul haih syahdu rasanya
but hey this is my 2nd time so takdala nervous mana
cewah

aku pun diletakkan di luar OT sementara tunggu surgeon datang
Tiba-tiba datang seorang lelaki memakai scrub
"Assalamualaikum Puan, Saya Dr Hilmi , doktor bius pada hari ini. 
Puan sihat ye tiada selsema batuk?"
opocot terkejut mak tiba-tiba seorang doktor lelaki yang handsome menegur sebegitu
serious anes @ doctor bius aku ni muka dia macam shaheizy sam
Terus aku tengok nama kat baju dia
"HILMI ALADIN"
aik nama betul ke tu?
aku siap terpikir wah ada jugak orang yang pleasant looking
untuk aku tengok sementara nak operate ni
pastu aku aku macam astaga ada ke pemikiran macam ni
ampun wahai suamiku hahahaha
ni life and death situation ko baru je minta maaf dengan laki kot
hadui

pastu aku ditolak masuk dalam OT
dorang pun prep aku macam nak siang ikan
letak plastik itu ini
serius OT kalini riuh rendah sebab semua staff kat situ perempuan dan speaking kelantan
hok tak pahe apa dorang dok borak tapi memang riuh macam pasar
yang lelaki sorang ni je doctor bius hensem yang memakai surgical cap captain america
*drools
haippp

dekat 20 minit berlalu aku dah terbaring tunggu disiang tiba-tiba dorang dok bising
mana surgeon ni?
sorang doctor ni kata
"Minta maaf ye puan kena menunggu macam ni"
doctor bius aku pun dah bising
"ni apa cerita ni mana surgeon patient dah tunggu lama macam ni"
rupanya surgeon aku tak dapat dihubungi via call mahupun whatsapp
aku macam alamak saya nak beranak niii

another 10 minit tunggu akhirnya dapat dihubungi
surgeon aku pun perempuan juga Alhamdulillah
Doctor bius pun memulakan kerjanya suruh aku duduk peluk bantal
dia kata
"ok puan ni akan sakit sikit ye"
honestly aku takda la rasa sakit sangat pun
pastu macam biasa la dia test ada rasa ke tidak
and yes takda rasa
so aku tanya dia
"doctor kalau tiba-tiba karang saya rasa sakit macam mana? because it happened to my friend"
dia kata "
takpa nanti puan terus inform saya don't worry"

Akhirnya surgeon aku tiba juga
The time is now ...
tiba-tiba aku macam susah nak bernafas
aku terus cakap doctor saya tak boleh bernafas
doctor bius aku cakap "kenapa puan? puan ok ke ke?"
aku macam panic sebab tak boleh bernafas
doctor bius pun cakap
"oh puan nervous ni, panic attack. breathe in breathe out"
perghh dalam tadi aku punya calm
sekali tiba-tiba aku diserang panic attack
lama-lama aku bernafas ok balik

Semua terus ready and surgeon buat incision
mula-mula aku nampak juga dari reflection atas tu
sekali doctor tu perasan terus dia alihkan angle kain tu and tak nampak apa
suasana kat OT masih riuh rendah dorang dok kecek kelate gelak kuat-kuat
mengurangkan rasa nervous aku
serius aku rasa lama gila kot
sampaila tiba-tiba dorang goncang-goncang perut aku

goncang sekuat-kuatnya dekat 3 kali tapi baby tak keluar
aik susah betul ni
sekali doctor bius aku berdiri belakang dia kata
"minta maaf ye puan, kita nak keluarkan baby ni saya kena tekan sedikit"
dia terus tekan bahu aku supaya tak bergoyang
pastu surgeon dok goncang-goncang kuat lagi and keluar satu suara indah
Alhamdulillah baby dah keluar
automatik air mata aku mengalir keluar
ntahla sentimental pulak

Pastu nurse datang tunjuk muka baby kat aku
tangan and kaki jari cukup dia kata
dapatlah aku tengok sekilas and confirmkan muka anak aku
pastu dorang jahit nak tutup balik
pun aku rasa lama gila

ada satu part tu tiba-tiba aku rasa macam dorang tengah alihkan organ-organ badan aku
macam dia sumbat organ badan aku ke atas
punyala panik aku terus aku cakap
"eh kenapa ye doktor? ada apa tu doktor?"
surgeon tu kata takda apa pun kita tengah tutup ni
serius aku rasa dia macam tengah susun usus aku ke apa
hahahahahaha
jimbet betul

------

ok i wrote that experience like 2 months after i gave birth to Muhammad Haiqal Mohd Zulkarnain
honestly i don't remember anything much sebab sekarang dah tahun 2020
Haiqal pun dah masuk 4 tahun
damn I completely ignore my blog
I will publish this anyway!
oh hey right now we are living in the moment because of the RESTRICTED MOVEMENT CONTROL
Almost a month at home and we will be at home until 28 April 2020 thanks to virus Covid-19
Malaysia Health Ministry frontliners are doing their very best and i am very proud of my country.

Ok let see if boredom stuck me again and make me wanna write.
chow


MY INTERMONOLOGUE:
Billy Crudup - Sing Along
https://youtu.be/KFw_YzRrYTw

HAMZA & HAIQAL

Kisah Hamza dan Haiqal

Both lahir bulan Ogos. 

Hamza anak merdeka august, 31st  2012. 

Haiqal august 14, 2016

Both lahir di Hospital Selayang

Hamza on friday, 5.26pm

Haiqal on sunday, 3.50pm

Berat lahir Hamza 2.26kg

Berat lahir Haiqal 3.00kg

Tapi bila dah 3 bulan berat dekat-dekat pulak...

Hamza 6kg at 3 months and Haiqal 6.4kg at 3 months

Both lahir via Cesarean section because my water broke 

but no contraction, no dilation, no progress. 

My water broke at 8.00pm masa hamza 

and at 12.30am masa Haiqal.

Hamza borderline premature at 35 weeks 3 days

Haiqal full term at 39 weeks.

Both prolonged jaundice sampai 1 bulan setengah

Hamza masuk NICU 5 hari

Haiqal masuk NICU 2 hari sebab jaundice

Hamza dari baby dah clingy mesti kena sentiasa dukung, 

skin to skin.
Siang tak boleh letak dalam cot nak berpeluk je...

tapi malam tidur elok pulak.

Haiqal on the other hand banyak kena beralah dengan hamza. 

Siang bila tidur terus letak kat cot. 

Elok je tidur sampai la ummi kejut dia. 

Tapi bila malam macam nightcrawler berjaga sampai pagi. 

Macam tau inilah time dia dapat memerap berpeluk sama ummi.

Tak sabar nak tengok korang dua ni main sama-sama. 

But I'm going to enjoy Haiqal as a baby 

because I know I'm gonna miss it soon.

I only have 1 quota left😁

#hamzazulkarnain #haiqalzulkarnain #HHZulkarnain

MY INTERMONOLOGUE: 

Allman Brothers Band - Soulshine

Muhammad Haiqal Mohd Zulkarnain

August 14, 2016 (Sunday):

Muhammad Haiqal Mohd Zulkarnain selamat dilahirkan at approximately 3.50pm---3.0kg---cesarean section at Hospital Selayang.

Assalamualaikum dunia! 

This is Parenting

I read this article and air mata bergenang laju jee turun.

MUST READ FOR ALL MOTHERS:

This is Parenting

The first years of parenting knocked me on my a**.

I had postpartum depression twice, and our son was a colicky baby.

As an introvert who values my freedom and space, it took me a few years to truly acclimate to parenthood. Then, just as we were starting to get into a groove, we added a second child to the mix. For many months after our daughter’s birth, I was triage parenting—constantly trying to figure out which child needed me the most while the other one cried.

More than anything else, early parenting felt like chaos.

But now, we’re crawling out of the trenches. And I’m mourning how fast it’s going. I want to freeze time a bit. I want to savor these days. These days of watching our son learn to love books, or sit at the dining room table coloring, or practice his Tae Kwon Do routine to loud techno music, darting around the living room. And our daughter, who only has a few short years left before kindergarten squeezes the baby out of her, before her spine straightens, and her sing-song preschooler voice fades.

Time is slipping away. And as the chaos fades into something more like fullness, I am seeing how damned sacred it all is.

To watch someone come into the world, to know them before you even know their name. To attend to their cries, their hunger, their fear. To feed them. To bathe and change them, to witness them in all their vulnerability, all their naked humanity. To accept them as you’ve probably never accepted anyone before. To watch your own brain rewire, connecting you to a chain of parents throughout time, turning you both stronger and more vulnerable at the same time.

To feel the muscles of your heart stretch and hum and grow so you can love in a way that is different than any other love. To use that strong heart to forgive them when they frustrate you, when they test your limits over and over again.

And even more, to forgive yourself when you’re empty on patience, when you think maybe I’m just not cut out for this whole parenting thing.

Underneath all the trappings of life, the costumes we wear, the possessions we surround ourselves with, the titles we hold— beneath it all we are human creatures who breathe and shit and love and fear and die. In the same way that watching someone leave their body is sacred—so is watching someone live. Watching them enter the world, grow, shedding their skin over and over again, stepping into new versions of themselves, with or without grace. To discover that when someone arrives in the world, they are already exactly who they are meant to be.

It’s hard and hilarious and humbling.

And it’s sacred.

Not in the Enjoy every moment you are so very blessed way. Not in the Isn’t it all just so magical? way. But in the way you can go from ohmygod if somebody says mommy one more time I’m going to Van Gogh my ears to a few hours later as you watch their sweet moon faces sleep and you hear yourself whisper aren’t I the luckiest person in the world?

Parenting rearranges us, offers us new lenses to see the world, lenses we were born with but that got shattered or lost over the decades: like when my son races outside to smash ice with his boots, and I slow down enough to join him, finding pleasure in that sound that ice makes as it begins to surrender beneath our feet. Or how ecstatic my daughter is when I return from the grocery store, lugging her favorite fruits.

Our kids remind us to squint and see the world with fresh eyes; sometimes it’s amazing and sometimes we are just too damned tired and rushed to take it all in.

Parenting is to know all the previous versions of someone, to hold them inside your mind as they grow, as they unfold. It’s slowly learning to let go on the outside as their lives begin to take shape, separate from your own, while on the inside, in your strong, tender parent-heart, you never let go at all.

Random February 2016

1. Dah lama tak update blog. Bukanlah busy bebenor cuma malas nak menulis.

2. But I love my blog and I want to read all of this again when i'm 10 -20 years older kalau umur panjang. Mesti best kan reminisce.

3. 2016 has been really great to me, Surfacing, Hamza and our little family. Banyak open doors/ opportunity. Alhamdulillah satu demi satu dimudahkan dan dilorongkan jalannya. Ini ke namanya rezeki baby H2? Ewah code nama macam Star Wars pulak...

4. Talking bout baby H2, I'm already week 14. All the nausea, muntah, loya, angin dah makin berkurangan, Alhamdulillah. I think I should write more often. Nanti kesian pulak takda update pasal dia sedangkan abangnya kemain lagi rajin menulis.

5. Talking about Hamza, he is progressing Alhamdulillah. Dia dah mula verbal tapi limited like baru 30-40 words and 90% english. But hey I'm not complaining! Jadilah dari takda langsung kan! He is such a happy kiddo and his behaviour getting better. This cheeky gizmo pandai gila cari attention dari ummi abah dia termasuk teacher-teacher dia because he lovesss body contact. Suka peluk kiss orang. manalaaaa orang nak marah kan.

5. Currently hamza still EIP di Tim Athfaal- full day monday-friday, EIP 2 hours/week di Permata Kurnia dan OT di HUKM twice a month.

6. I'm still working at ANGKASA. Dah 4 tahun dahhh magaddd pecah rekod paling lama keja kat sini. But I guess i'm gonna stay here for a while.

7. Not gonna further study anytime soon.

8. I just booked confinement lady untuk jaga fullday 8.00am-5.00pm for 14 days.  Mahal juga la untuk aku yang kedekut ini. Tapi takpalah aku beranak spital selayang je tak payah bayar apa.
So apa salahnya invest sikit untuk kesihatan badanku.
cukupla pantang sendiri masa first tu, seriously effectnya 6-7 bulan lepas beranak
badan sakit-sakit and macam-macam lagi datang.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.

9. Probably will take 1 month extra unpaid leave lepas pantang sebab 2 bulan tak cukup sebenarnya baby kecikkk je lagi.

10. Kesian pulak hamza birthday dia kan 31 ogos sedangkan due date aku 19 ogos. (Please baby H2 kita keluar ikut term ye sayang. Jangan buat ummi terperanjat keluar awal-awal..hehehe)
Aku and surfacing kemainla plan nak buat birthday party Star Wars theme "May the 4th be with you" gitu for hamza 4th birthday but hey Allah has better plan. Takpa kalau ada duit lebih sikit kita buat la kita-kita je sebulan sebelum birthday Hamza ye (which is after raya)

11. Surfacing currently working on his first Feature Film. Can't reveal much but I AM SO PROUD OF YOU MY DEAR SURFACING! Finally masanya telah tibaaaa (nyanyi macam rakan muda)

12. I'm so unfashionable I basically wear the same jubah/ dress weekly because I only have 5 jubah and 2 baju kurung pergi kerja for the past 2 years. Sheeshh. I rather spend RM49 for T-shirt hamza yang lawa dekat H&M  dari RM39 cheap jubah kat carrefour. What the hell is wrong with us, mothers???

13. AKU MALAS MASAK and makan luar everyday so no update on recipe whatsoever. Poor my husband.

eh banyak dah tu, bye.

The First Three Years

MY DEAR MUHAMMAD HAMZA MOHD ZULKARNAIN

For the day, you were born
I was cut open
For the hideous scar
The bloated belly
The swollen and aching joints
The long and sleepless night

For the first time, I’ve seen your face
With the wires and tubes
For being so tiny and helpless
For the first time, you opened your eyes
I fell in love

For the lovely smile
The infectious laugh
The smiling eyes
You have grown so much
The tiny hands wrapped around my neck

For the endless kiss
The small hugs
The screaming and crying
The messy lunch

For the secret code
The special bond
I can see the love from your beautiful eyes

You are the greatest gift from the Almighty
My little Angel from Heaven
You are my son, my love, and my joy
I love you forever and far beyond eternity.

P/S: Yes, we are expecting :)

HAMZA EARLY INTERVENTION PROGRAM - TIM ATHFAAL

Hamza dah start sekolah effective July, 2015
Sekolah yang dipilih - TIM ATHFAAL
Kelas ANIS (Anak Istimewa) - Early Intervention Program (EIP)
ada lebih kurang 40 student Autism, ADD, ADHD

First day sekolah memang menangis
tapi lepas tu ok je
hantar je nangis
but dekat sekolah teacher kata dia boleh ikut arahan and tak banyak karenah
terus pandai makan sendiri sampai teacher tolong suap pun dia tak bagi

Why TIM-ATHFAAL?
Aku ada terbaca review dari blog mommy yang pernah hantar
perkembangan positif pada anak
dari non-verbal dah boleh bercakap
sebelum ni dikenali sebagai Tadika Indah Murni and ada a few student Autism
Pastu banyak demand so dorang bukak cawangan baru
kelas ada kategori: ANIS, PRESCHOOL, PLAYSCHOOL and NURSERY

TIM-ATHFAAL takda specific treatment macam ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis)
But they focus pada self help, social skills, fine motor skills
The best part ada include speech therapy and occupational therapy
Selain tu ada music therapy, autism movement therapy, Brain Gym
Added Value: Islamic based therapy
Dekat sekolah ada Ustaz yang akan ajar doa bila morning assembly
ada group session and one to one
ada jugak water therapy tapi tu additional fee so tengah fikir-fikir lagi

aku enrolled Hamza untuk Full day Program from 8.30am - 3.30pm
Tapi 7.30 dah hantar dia pergi sekolah sebab sadly we're both working slaves
Pergi abah dia hantar pasal abah dia masuk kerja pukul 9am
Balik ummi ambik pasal ummi keluar office 5.00pm
Sebab nusery dah penuh , school akan hantar hamza ke transit nursery yang selang 1 blok
transit nursery pun Alhamdullillah so far so good
owner sangat baik dan jagaan yang baik so far (Bondamama branch)
will talk about transit nursery in separate post

Hamza ada dapat communication book
basically teacher akan tulis daily activity
mostly apa task yang hamza buat what he can and can't do yet
Teacher Hamza nama dia teacher Suhaila
MasyaAllah baik dan friendly
Teacher Su pun ada anak special needs so she knows exactly what she's doing

Apa-apa pun aku nak say whole lotta THANKS WITH HUGSSS AND LOVEE
to TEEFA yang share pasal TIM-ATHFAAL ni
she's the one yang inform pasal TIM-ATHFAAL dah buka kat wangsa maju
Dia siap pergi Open Day
So aku terus macam what the heck just go check it out
sebab aku sebenarnya macam dah putus asa bila check harga EIP kat Malaysia
ni semua RIBU-RIBAN untuk 3 jam sehari kalau untuk daily program
Sesuailah sebab memang 1-1 program and you have your own therapist
Aku mula-mula pun fikir nak register NASOM je but hesitated
sebab jauh dari perjalanan kitorang lakibini nak pegi keja

So bila pergi borak dengan Teacher Su...pastu jumpa Manager dia Ms Rushd
terus jatuh cinta and the rest is history.
I can see Hamza is happier than ever!

Pasal fee don't worry...definitely will not leave you broke
aku sangat BERTUAH sebab company fully covered bulan-bulan yuran
untuk any rehabilitation program for Hamza sebab dia ada OKU card
Aku bersyukur sangat ada employer yang prihatin kepada anak-anak OKU
By right aku boleh pergi mana-mana EIP Mahal gila tu sebab fully covered - no limit
tapi aku sendiri tak mampu nak dahulukan duit dulu...hahaha
so yeah takpa, so far I am confident with TIM -ATHFAAL
InsyaAllah, kita tengok dalam 6 months macam mana

Seronok naik kereta tapi bila sampai simpang wangsa maju menangissss
and yeah hamza telah dibotakkan atas sebab-sebab tak dapat dielakkan
will story later if I have time
ummi SEDIH!

Next aku akan cerita improvement Hamza sejak sekolah
mungkin sikit tapi besar maknanya pada aku

Hamza first day of school recorded
walaupun kena bangun 6.30 pagi tapi excited dia tuuuuu

Cookin' Up Pt 10 - Shepherd/ Cottage Pie

whoaaaa lama gila tak update blog!
dari hari ke hari aku nak update tapi takde mood langsung.
Banyak sangat benda hamza dah masuk sekolah, hamza punya kelas OT
Tapi takpa later lah
kita dah hari-hari terakhir Ramadan
Alhamdulillah sempat merasa Ramadan tahun ni.
Raya biasa-biasa je
open house pun tak buat

Anywhoo since nak raya ni lemme share a very simple recipe, tak banyak bahan
Kalau nak menambat hati orang datang beraya yang sukakan western inilahhh resepinya..cewahh
sedap dia macam WOW!
Again , recipe from Foodwishes


SHEPHERD PIE/ COTTAGE PIE

Layer bawah (Meat Filling)
400/500gm minced mutton atau minced beef
sauted  1 cube butter with 1 onion(bawang holland) dah potong dadu dan 3 ulas garlic hiris nipis
letak olive oil sikit
brownkan minced meat 
dah brown masukkan 1/4 tepung 

letak dash of blackpepper, rosemary, paprika/ chilli flakes, cinnamon
masukkan 1 tsp garam
masukkan tomato ketchup
masukkan chicken broth (kalau takda letak je stok ayam and air)
(jangan banyak air just nice untuk pekatkan)
kalau suka masukkan frozen peas and carrots (aku skip)
kacau sampai pekat

Layer atas (Mashed Potato Filling)
Rebus 5-7 ketul kentang (aku suka guna holland potato) dengan garam
dah lembut sila drain
MASHED dengan 1 cube butter, 1tsp salt, cayenne, cream cheese, cheddar cheese
letakkan 1 egg yolk yang dah beat dengan sedikit susu
mashed sampai semua blend elok and jangan lembik sangat

Letak Meat layer dalam pan
scoop potato pakai scoop ice-cream susun atas meat layer
pastu ratakan dan criss cross kan dengan garfu

tabur apa-apa cheese yang suka sebagai topping
taknak pun takpa sebab dah ada cheese
dalam potato

Baked 30 min - 250c

Kos nak buat dalam 25 hengget boleh dapat 6 portion cut besar
atau 8 portion cut sederhana
eh oklahh tu kalau kat kedai 1 portion sederhana dah 12 hengget

SIAP!
SEDAP ...
surfacing makan je dah habis 3/4 tray sekian.

Aku cuti from 15 -27 JULAI Wohooooooo
SELAMAT HARI RAYA!

Special

Some of my close friends already knew this

My son, Muhammad Hamza just diagnosed with Autism (Mild-Moderate)

from NASOM and Child Development Centre (CDC), HUKM

We are currently searching for the best therapy and early intervention program

for Hamza (that will not bankrupt us because autism is expensive) 

So apa reaction aku masa child psychologist bagitau result assessment dia?

I felt relieved.

seriously lega. 

Because I've been observing Hamza since he's 15 months.

I can't denied the fact that he's a late bloomer

at 16 months dah bawak dia buat hearing test and Alhamdulillah normal.

So I've waited until 20 months (adjusted age) to hear his first word

There's none.

So I wait no more and started calling Nasom and CDC buat appointment

untuk assessment.

bawak jugak speech therapy assessment and the SLP pun expressed her concerned.

memang ada traits autism tu.

At first , I made myself believe it probably ADHD 

Because he's really hyper, short attention span etc

But from time to time, the traits become more obvious

from the hand flapping, stimming, less eye contact and tip toeing.

I started searching for more articles about Autism

watch more youtube videos on the treatment

join FB "Austime Malaysia, "Kelab anak Autisme"  and more

So yes, 

when I heard the diagnosis, I felt relieved.

I got more assurance from Child Development Centre (CDC) HUKM

Time wasted no more and this is the best age to get the help he needed.

Now I have the answers, I just have ask more questions.

Did I cry?

Yes, loads.

But I cried because I feel like I'm not doing good enough for Hamza, yet.

He is my son and I still look at him the same just like before the diagnosis.

He is the same person.

He just need more support, love and attention from us.

I didn't share his condition on other social media because I don't want sympathy or likes

I just want your Doa.

However, I will blog more about  our journey, Insya'Allah

I will only blog to share info for future special supermom and superdad out there.

I'm still learning and this is just the beginning of our wonderful journey.

#hamzavsautism

Rain

Here we are at HUKM again

And it's raining heavily

Carried you from the lobby to the carpark

Only to realized i haven't validate the parking ticket

It's raining and you want your milk

And you sleep so peacefully

And here  I am sobbing thinking

How the hell im going to carry you, braving the rain and validate that damn parking ticket.

I feel useless right now. 

Faculties of Mind

I have so many things going on that will change our lives forever
I have so many things I look forward to
I will keep my chin up with my head held high
I will not be defeated
I will try and I will do it
I will never stop learning
I will always be searching
I will keep praying
and everything I do, I do it for you my dear son.

"Hold my head inside your hands,
I need someone who understands.
I need someone, someone who hears,
For you, I've waited all these years.

For you, I'd wait 'til kingdom come.
Until my day, my day is done.
And say you'll come, and set me free,
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

In your tears and in your blood,
In your fire and in your flood,
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing,
"I wouldn't change a single thing."

Tears In Heaven - Mother

Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un ( انّا للہ و انّا الیہ راجعون)

My mother in law passed away on March 10, 2015
Exactly a year after opah passed away
the same date
midnight
same time
she was 69 years old

3 days before she passed away, she was transferred from ICU to normal ward
Doctor gave us a slight of hope
by telling us, the infection is gone
she probably remain vegetative
so we have to learn how to take care of her in this condition
dia sedar tapi non-responsive
my surfacing teman mak dari pagi ke malam

on the day she passed away, my surfacing can't visit her sebab kerja sampai malam
It was 11pm when he got home
It's raining heavily
Pukul 12 masuk tidur and I heard engine car running
aku call tanya nak pergi mana
he said the hospital call...mak dah nazak
aku tidurkan hamza and tertidur sekali langsung tak sedar apa

Masa tidur, I dream of mak,
she's lying on our living room dalam keadaan vegetative
she just stared at me
Then I felt someone touch my leg
it was my surfacing
"Mak dah takda..." 
he said softly
I immediately hug him
he said wait till morning and he went to mak's house

Pagi datang tengok mak
bila bukak kain tutup muka I was stunned
Masya'Allah cantiknya muka mak
Macam tidur dalam senyum
berseri sangat
even my mom said that

Masa lepas mandikan I kissed her for the last time
tak pergi sampai kubur sebab hamza dah bangun
semuanya dipermudahkan
cuaca yang baik
surfacing kata masa di kubur jadi mendung
lepas kebumi panas semula
Alhamdulillah
semuanya mudah

I knew her way before our marriage
She is the best mother in law
tak pernah marah, tak pernah tinggi suara, tak pernah campur hal kami berdua
She's a cool mom
selalu senyum je and never fail to say thank you
kami tinggal selang satu lorong je
so whenever datang jumpa dia, dia akan kata
"terima kasih lawat mak" walaupun jumpa selalu

I will always remember her smile
her warm hugs
her cooking
she made the best creme caramel pudding
masa sebelum kahwin,
bila nak keluar dating ada je benda mak bagi tapau untuk makan
I am so lucky to be part of her life

I have faith that she's not in pain at all
sebab masa dia sedated and sedar semula bila tanya dia sedar ke kami datang
atau rasa sakit ke
dia kata dia langsung tak sedar
I am hoping dari masa dia coma sampai vegetative tu dia macam tidur je
tak rasa apa
she never knew her leg was gone

I know that she's in the best place now
Mak baik sangat menjaga suami yang sakit sehingga lah ke akhir hayat
tak pernah menyakiti orang lain
Oh dear Allah, she has done so much for her family
Please forgive her sins and grant her a place in Jannah

Rest well, mak
You will always be in our heart and our doa.

Allahyarham Mariah Abd Talib
(16 September 1946- 10 Mac 2015)

Mother

We are taking it slow now
Masa hamza kena HFMD,
My mother in law was admitted to Hospital Selayang just a week after remove 1 toe.
The culprit was diabetic gangrene.
She is still in hospital now.
in the ICU to be exact.
almost 2 months now

Earlier she was admitted because she was having difficulty to breathe
Then we were told by doctor she has kidney failure - stage 5
she has to start on Dialysis
Not long after that, her health went downhill...fast.
From laughing and smiling to unconscious state
from normal ward to ICU to Isolation ICU
she had pneumonia
her tube site for catheter (a tube inserted into her vein in the neck for dialysis) is infected
her blood froze during dialysis
Doctor had a talk with my surfacing
It's not looking good but there's hope
he gave her a really strong antibiotic
She woke up from sedation but remained weak

Then we were told by doctor they have to remove another toe
Tt's infected with gangrene as well
just a few days after  minor operation removing her toe,
we were told by doctor that her entire leg need to go
I was speechless
Below Knee amputation need to be done because she has a severe infection
it could go to her vein, heart and brain
and we don't wanna go down that road
we have no choice
we have to do it

My MIL doesn't know about her leg
because  since the operation she remains unconscious until now
After the amputation, she had another operation
She had to undergone a tracheotomy
(created hole through the front of neck to opens up the trachea)
This procedure provides air passage  for her to breathe
she's not getting enough air into her lungs due to over flooding mucus

After  both operation, she opened her eyes but no response from her
She's no longer sedated
She should be awake by now
When my surfacing visit her, he will touch her hand, talk to her but nothing's change
her eyes wide open,  just looking up.  no movement.
We are really worried.
I'm really afraid she has fell into a vegetative state, god forbid.
Yesterday my surfacing asked doctor to do CT scan to check her brain movement
hopefully the result will bring some good news to us

All your doa are needed.
My MIL name is Mariah Abdul Talib
Dear Allah SWT,
please cure our mother,
heal her and ease her pain,
grant her strength,
keep her healthy
Please bring out the best in us to take care of her and comfort her.
Amin.

HFMD episode 2

Surfacing dah selamat admitted due to dehydration.

Confirmed HFMD.

Usually it affects children but yes it can occur in adults.

In fact surfacing kena lagi teruk dari hamza.

Asalnya isnin tu dia demam. 

Malam dah kebah tapi selasa dia tunggu mak masuk wad dari 9 pagi sampai 12 malam. Dia tunggu kat yellow zone hospital selayang tu so imagine berapa punya bapak datuk virus ada dalam tu

Dia demam balik time tu and mula kena sakit tekak

Sakit tekak yg tahap macam razor blade everytime telan air liur

Rabu pergi klinik ambik antibiotic 

Sampai jumaat tekak masih sakit gila 

Rashes mula keluar jadi blister

Tadi terus hantar hospital sebab kalau dia dok rumah mau aku pulak berjangkit

Habis kalau both sakit sapa nak jaga hamza?

Me on the other hand memang kena positif supaya diri jadi kuat

Makan habbatussauda and doa supaya sihat.

Memang ada ulser and body ache here and there

Tapi kena kuatkan diri.

So how did we get HFMD?

Siapa yang kenal kitorang boleh tau betapa aku ni paranoid dengan germs

I clean my house, mainan hamza and any surface with dettol

I have antibacterial wetwipes and sanitizer in my bag

I sanitize my hand before ambik hamza di rumah babysitter and sanitize tangan dia 

I will wipe and use spray sanitizer at babychair bila makan kat luar

I wash my hand and sanitize before pegang makanan especially makanan untuk hamza

Tahap germs freak aku,  lepas beri-beri aku sabun tangan dengan hand soap, sabun basuh pinggan dan sanitize lagi dengan dettol. 

To that extend.

But kalau nak kena, tetap kena jugak.

My child is not a bubble boy.

Aku hantar rumah orang, bawak makan luar, bawak pergi mall.

It can happen anywhere. 

To be honest, aku serius taktau hamza kena HFMD. Hari ahad tu bawak dia pi breakfast siap jumpa family bai, pergi jusco, balik umah nenek. Petang tu keluar rashes kt kaki and mulut terus rasa bersalah cause we didn't know.

But once tau, memang terus kuarantin kt rumah.

Sanggup ambik annual leave 6 hari. 

But some people mungkin take it lightly.

Bawak anak jalan or hantar jugak anak pergi taska walaupun anak kena hfmd or chicken pox or rotavirus. 

Anyway, it's a tough week for us.

Hopefully datanglah pelangi selepas thunderstorm ini

Gitu

HFMD

Almost a week resting at home

Last week 3 hari cuti ehsan

This week seminggu terus tak datang kerja

Tak sangka hamza akan kena HFMD

Surfacing pun berjangkit dengan hamza penuh ulser dalam mulut

Mother in law admitted

Dugaan permulaan 2015

Alhamdulillah ruam2 and blister makin hilang

Yang penting ulser mulut dah takda

Will write about this bila hamza dah sihat nanti

Today Is Perfect

I read this article written by Megan Morton in HuffPost Parents
I feel like crying
This article makes me want to savour everything I have now
Makes me appreciate all those little things my son does
Makes me appreciate life
Because when that 'one day' come,
I know I will keep myself busy
to make room for the emptiness of not having my children around
Because they all have grown up and have their own lives


So, here's the article:

"MOMMY, SOMEBODY NEEDS YOU"

Ever since we brought our new daughter home, 
her older brothers have been the first to tell me when she is crying, whimpering 
or smelling a little suspicious.
 "Somebody needs you," they say. 
I have no idea how this little saying started, but at first it sort of annoyed me. 
I could be enjoying a quick shower... 
"Mommy, somebody needs you. The baby is crying." 
Or, sitting down for a second, quite aware that the baby was beginning to stir from a nap.... 
"Mama, somebody needs you!" OK! I get it already!
 And not to mention that the newborn's needs pale in comparison to the needs of two little boys. Somebody always needs a snack, a band-aid, a different sock, ice cubes in their water, 
a NEW Paw Patrol, a stream of snot wiped, a hug, a story, a kiss. 
Some days never seem to end, and the monotony of being "needed" can really take its toll. 
Then, it all started to hit me, they need ME. Not anybody else. 
Not a single other person in the whole world. They need their Mommy.

The sooner I can accept that being Mommy means that I never go off the clock, 
the sooner I can find peace in this crazy stage of life. 
That "Mommy" is my duty, 
privilege and honor. I am ready to be there when somebody needs me, all day and all night. 
Mommy means I just put the baby back down after her 4 a.m. feeding
when a 3-year-old has a nightmare. 
Mommy means I am surviving on coffee and toddler leftovers. 
Mommy means my husband and I haven't had a real conversation in weeks. 
Mommy means I put their needs before my own, without a thought. 
Mommy means that my body is full of aches and my heart is full of love.

I am sure there will come a day when no one needs me. 
My babies will all be long gone and consumed with their own lives. 
I may sit alone in some assisted living facility watching my body fade away. 
No one will need me then. I may even be a burden. 
Sure, they will come visit, but my arms will no longer be their home. 
My kisses no longer their cure. 
There will be no more tiny boots to wipe the slush from or seat belts to be buckled. 
I will have read my last bedtime story, seven times in a row. 
I will no longer enforce time-outs. 
There will be no more bags to pack and unpack or snack cups to fill. 
I am sure my heart will yearn to hear those tiny voices calling out to me, 
"Mommy, somebody needs you!"

So for now, I find beauty in the peaceful 4 a.m. feedings in our cozy little nursery. 
We are perched above the naked oak trees in our own lavender nest. 
We watch the silent snow fall and a bunny scampering across its perfect white canvas.
 It's just me and my little baby, the neighborhood is dark and still. 
We alone are up to watch the pale moon rise and the shadows dance along the nursery wall. 
She and I are the only ones to hear the barn owl hooting in the distance. 
We snuggle together under a blanket and I rock her back to sleep. 

It's 4am and I am exhausted and frustrated, but it's OK, she needs me. Just me. 
And maybe, I need her too. Because she makes me Mommy. 
Someday she will sleep through the night. 
Someday I will sit in my wheelchair, my arms empty, dreaming of those quiet nights in the nursery. When she needed me and we were the only two people in the world.

Can I enjoy being needed? Sometimes, sure, but often it is tiring. Exhausting.
 But, it isn't meant to be enjoyed every moment. It is a duty. 
God made me their Mom.
 It is a position I yearned for long before I would ever understand it. 
Over a three-day weekend, my husband couldn't believe how many times our boys kept saying, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy!" 
"Are they always like this?" he asked, not able to hide his terror and sympathy. 
"Yep. All day, everyday. That's my job." 
And I have to admit that it is the toughest job I have ever had. 

In a previous life, I was a restaurant manager for a high volume and very popular chain in 
Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. A Saturday night at 7:30 p.m. with the expo window 
overflowing with dishes, a two-hour wait and the electricity inexplicably going out 
has got nothing on a Tuesday, 5:00 p.m. at the Morton house. 
And let me tell ya, South Florida diners are some of the toughest to please. 
But they are a cake walk compared to sleep-deprived toddlers with low blood sugar.

Once upon a time, I had time. For myself. Now, my toenails need some love. 
My bra fits a little differently. My curling iron might not even work anymore, I don't know.
 I can't take a shower without an audience. I've started using eye cream. 
I don't get carded anymore. My proof of motherhood. Proof that somebody needs me. 

That right now, somebody always needs me. Like last night...

At 3 a.m. I hear the little footsteps entering my room. I lay still, barely breathing.
Maybe he will retreat to his room. Yeah right.

"Mommy."

"Mommy." A little louder.

"Yes," I barely whisper.

He pauses, his giant eyes flashing in the dim light.

"I love you."

And just like that, he is gone. 
Scampered back to his room. But, his words still hang in the cool night air. 
If I could reach out and snatch them, I would grab his words and hug them to my chest. 
His soft voice whispering the best sentence in the world. I love you. 
A smile curls across my lips and I slowly exhale, almost afraid to blow the memory away.
 I drift back to sleep and let his words settle into my heart.

One day that little boy will be a big man. 
There will no longer be any sweet words whispered to me in the wee hours. 
Just the whir of the sound machine and the snoring husband.
 I will sleep peacefully through the night, never a worry of a sick child or a crying baby.
 It will be but a memory. These years of being needed are exhausting, yet fleeting.
 I have to stop dreaming of "one day" when things will be easier. 
Because the truth is, it may get easier, but it will never be better than today. 
Today, when I am covered in toddler snot and spit-up. 
Today, when I savor those chubby little arms around my neck. 
Today is perfect. 
"One day" I will get pedicures and showers alone. 
"One day" I will get myself back. 
But, today I give myself away, and I am tired and dirty and loved SO much, and I gotta go. Somebody needs me.